Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
