Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
