did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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