but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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