you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
