The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
