Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
