Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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