My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
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He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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