i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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