I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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