oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
you would pick up someone in the library
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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