I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
