i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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