I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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