i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You pole danced in your parka.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
