whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
