no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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