Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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