bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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