So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
