were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
How does it feel to date your dad?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
