and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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