I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
