if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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