I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
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