Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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