I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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