tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
