It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
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I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
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I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
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