Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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