i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
