You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.