just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
