How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
