i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
