As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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