The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
