I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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