I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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