You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
