what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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