Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
they need to just BURY HIM!
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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