I accidentally had phone sex last night
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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