I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
