just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
