I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
