i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
