is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
