i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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