Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
