Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
