Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Come on in and take your pants off
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